Designer: Manikka
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tis post gonna be a lil vulgar...

i'm fuckin depressed (as all my guy-friends refer sad to) and feeling suicidal. in fact i think im a fuckin emo now.

everyone in this world has extremely high expectations of me. they expect me to perform to my best and get the best results so that THEY can be happy, not me. i do perform to their expectations at times but no one's perfect. i do make my fuckin mistakes sometimes. no one praises me for all the glory and good work ive worked hard for and achieved, they only remember the parts where i didn't do well at. cant you gimme some fuckin credit? i do have my low points too. so now apparently, im in this pit of my life, and nothin fuckin seems to be right. i fuckin flunked everything. my fuckin people, everyone around me, starts givin me crap on why i wasn't performin well or to their fuckin high expectations. i do feel disapointment in myself. but i fuckin feel that i can't be in my peak performance all the time. i think now's the fuckin time to lemme rest, relax and be just like anyone else, not an ohsoperfect lil goody-two-shoes.

i fuckin have a life. i do not live for anyone of your expectations. if i continue to feel this way, i'll just break down. maybe i'll just stare into thin air like how g* did durin his exams. i'll give you a zero on my papers. i won't write or speak a single thing. the whole exam shall be blank. i can really do that if i feel like it. i can do anything to show my prowess.

i realize that i need to have a break. i can't always be perfect. gimme some rest. just lemme slow down my life for awhile. gettin back all my scripts, seein the pathetic scores, and havin to face the scrutiny and ostracization is simply unbearable. it hurts, fuckin hurts.


i feel really horrible? but i try not to show it. my whole life's in a mess, i don't know why. so, just gimme some time, i promise i'll settle and clear all that fuckin shit thats in me now. i really need some time off


right now, im just donnin a mask, tryin to look relaxed and as if nothing has happened. everyone thinks my life's a breeze and its cool, but they don't really know that beneath all this facade lies a frail, puzzled and strugglin soul tryin to find her way out and clear her life outta this mess. once again, don't judge a book by its cover. im happy, but im not.


WHATEVER, TO HELL WITH ALL OF YOU. SICK AND TIRED

i need a long hiatus from life.

tis blog post gonna be short yo.

skool was horrible but i never paid so much attention in class throughout my life before. maybe that was cos i never gotta sit in front. so now im smak right in the first row, under the watchful eyes and breaths and saliva of course, i find myself payin more attention than ever! everything's crystal clear, i don't miss a single detail, not like when i was at the back, i was prac. clueless bout everything. maybe this new seating arrangement is really beneficial to me. pe was disgustin, cos they made us run so many rounds and people were there, so obviously it was embarrassin to look sweaty and pantin like a dog. i managed to finish it, thank god, i thought i almost died! the other day was ew, cos we were sticky and smelly and don't really feel good. like my pangsai said, we should at least have a chance to bathe and feel fresh for the rest of the day. well, thats the con for havin pe on the longest day of skool!


so now sittin with mr oh snap has gotten me yet into another japan fever. i thought i got over that craze but now its back! i feel more japanese and stuff. prac all e songs in my hp are japanese, thanks to bluetooth from ohsnap! the songs are really nice, tho i don't really get what they're singing. well, at least, a new change from the short-craze english songs we're always immersed in


term 1 was really scary and slack. i learnt from my common test result. so now, its time to be serious! yeah i can't make any more mistakes. this time was far too costly! so yeah, try not to slack. have a proper organised planned life

um i think lenny and i are impossible? cos xy stole him, lol. and hes just not right for me, so yeah, MOVING ON once again. but i was again charmed. despite *, he still can * so well. he is REALLY GOOD. like WOW. yeah he's pro and his skills are amazing. too bad i can only observe from afar. yeah. lenny. haha. what a joke. IT'S OVER? yeah


i feel that term 2's gonna be quite tumultous, tho i hope it'll be in a positive light. i think my social life's gonna flourish or sth, i dunno. i just have THIS FEELING. term 2's gonna be better, and fun-ner.

yeah alright. antm season7 is startin i gtg.
loves. xD

BOO HOO YOU CHOO XINYING. HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY BOYFRIEND. I DON'T FRIEND YOU ANYMORE.


u make me so sad until i cry to you in the library. in front of everyone.

but no mattter what, you are still my good friend. haha.

BULLSHIT

xy u steal my bf but i still am touched 4 ur post to me on ur blog! at first when i heard ur voice on e phone, u sounded real pissed so i was quite scared. but you came out and let ur heart out to me. i understand how you feeel. i wouldn't want to let anyone know who wally is either. so. be careful? and dun get so angry. i will be traumatized like how u said an obscene word on the phone last time xD


Summary for the week :


Mon- 1st day of term 2. pe day- ran 2.4, acted emo and ap-ed. teacher wasnt happy. so was i. long school day, 2-hr assembly, almost died.

tue- indra singled me out and called me to stand at the yellow line. the only 4bn-er. great. off i went. got caught by ccl for short skirt and dyed hair. lied, said i died it back but colour went back. after skool, went to buy dye, did it, and stank of hydrogen peroxide and ammonia

wed- rainin, no spotcheck. was givin a bored emo attitude face in the phy lab when ccl walked past. caught me almost fallin asleep, came in and said "i want to see cheryl low". so off i went, pullin off my earsticks as fast as i can, folded my shirt and brushed my hair behind my ears. ccl asks me to turn around.at this time mrs indra and e whole class came out. it was embarrassing. he said my shoes werent acceptable when prac 10+ ppl i know were wearin it. asked me to buy another pair. gave him a face, blinked and walked away. piano. bought shoe. super big size, nochoice. went home

thur- passed spotcheck but lenny saw me standin there. so embarrassing. watched mr bean's hol (if that's e name) with pangsai and cockroach lover. had nice fun, went home

fri - heart attack durin english lesson. raist wanted vocab book after quiz and we didn[t wanna do 20 phrases and get retested. tried to copy asap while she was directly beside us. handwriting ugly, and we jumped and hid e books everytime she walked past. luckily finished in time. ohsnap. was smsin while in another class. ccl walked past and stopped in his tracks. gazed in my direction,. heart attack again, hid hp. he came into class and thankfully, caught the boy 2 seats from me. PHEW. early dismissal, cryin and talkin with xy in library, interact- boring and long and lame, late for tuition 4 45 mins. reached home.


throughout this week, we got back our results and my only one word to describe it - 'dismal'. at least 7 ppl have questioned me about my lacklustre performance and the reason behind it. felt that i let them down. but did they know beneath this sheer pathetic results was actually not a slacker but a fragile stressed out lethargic girl tryin to juggle life, piano, and her freakin studies? no one can understand. some thot i shouldn't use that as an excuse, had to plan my time properly. all i could do was accept all those criticism with melancholy, and every word stabbed. yeah right, this time i did really badly, maybe its because im not that smart afterall, or this time i was real lazy. is that answer good enufff for your expectations? oh well wadeva


my current LL and feelings - confused puzzled. i still love no. 5 despite all my rantings against him and his imperfections. but i really don't know. he's nice, but its just ...... seen wally around, no more feelings i guess. suddenly thought of my previouses- previous 2's names were all W. wonder how they're doin. as for longtimeago M, he's doin real well, even saw him in the newspapers about his tremendous creation and work. well done,M, im proud of you xD. seen D very frequently, can't help but feel a fusion on love and hate. love for the hope and fun, hate for the deceive and betrayal.


alright enufff of my LL

weekend plans:

SAT - try to go for hairdo in mornin, if jos is free. con class in e afternoon, try to squeeze time to meet anthony and friends. after that rush to airport to send ah ma off~

SUN- emaths tuition, maybe mass that is if i didn't go with anthony and friends, either shoppin, hangin out or stayin at home do hw. combinations : 3C1.


life is such a blur right now. nothing is going right. its all going the wrong way. i feel so outtta place. i wish someone would put my back, bring me back from my disorientation, and get me focused and whats worth to focus my attention on. i need to do that real fast. cos im just driftin around now. so please. help me.

xy- PAKAT!

oh my no. 5, i am so happy you got into ur fav course! u owe me my ro***. and congrats on gettin on shortlisted for THE LIST!

i love number five! think it'll be for awhile before i move on

no. 5 is currently emo-ing. lol

the horoscope part of april's ELLE singapore magazine:

TAURUS 20Apr - 20 May

Something special has happened: You are glowing and you radiate beauty. You are unfailingly good-tempered, you make time to help others, and you are not upset by any problem. In a word, you are serene. Why? Perhaps the answer is to be found in a very private but very intense few days in mid-March: Finally, it seems, you have found someone worthy of your love- and who can give you the same in return.


this is freakin freaky. it is SO tres uber relevant and i can relate to it SO much. in fact, what some parts of the reading says is true! man this is freaky. it's like totally true to how im feeling now?


okay wadeva, really really freaky.

Etiketter: elle april 07 horoscope

yo whaddddup. im back to blog. after like a week and a half? and that def. ain't a long hiatus.

um okay. this is a boring post. this is my daily events for e march hols and a brief summary of course:

fri- talentime, realised some people looked really nice in home clothes. had fun with friends, got shocked by nakata, saw *

sat- con class, after that ate with may, went to vivocity. mad shopping with mom. high heels killed me

sun- emaths tuition, church, a maths tuition, went to central at clarke quay with family. shopped. ate. yada.

mon- class outing! went to sentosa- hot and quite boring, except the hunks part of course, then to marina square kbox where we had a lux lounge and partied!, finally to marina bay for steamboat, yummy and i love prawns! went home with class ppl...

tue- did some filing, lazed at home, went swimming, watched lotsa tv, can't realy rmb

wed- went out with joey and nicholas and a bit of joel. went pool den walked around then watched music and lyrics.

thurs- photoshoot, didn't fare that well. at least had a decent shot

fri- tv marathon, suddenly felt sick, tuition at night

sat - rollerblading with nicholas and bryan. tiring, quite fun, and real tiring. now my feet abound with blisters ouch. cass wanna see?

sun- tuition, church, studying with bryan, farewell dinner for grandma whos goin my fav. tokyo this spring to see sakuras. ate steamboat again. love prawns again.

this is a duper super tres uber short post, pictures are probably in my friends' blog, too lazy to upload, maybe will when i feel real free.

this march hols- not bad, did quite a lotta stuff. don't wanna go skool, zzzzzzzzz. boring.

and yes, i finally got over wally today. it marks a new milestone in my life!

think that guys who wear truckers tilted to one side are like real kewl hot dudes, like cynthia's brother- saw him flirting with 6 girls solo today. o h man hes hot.

um i don't like cynthia's brother. j'adore *! yes ! yes! yes!

omg im goin loco, pardonnezmoi


cya'll round in skool, rmb, im a very friendly person, you can talk to me anytime.

high~~~

xD

Etiketter: march hols 07

today is officially the end of my most exciting and nerve-wreckin week in the first quart of 2007.

this week was common test, and even if i did LOOK THROUGH (not study), i found that i did not absorb much of the information and looked so lost in the exams. my peepz were all like so engrossed while i was like lookin around, findin my way here and there. it really sucked. and i know im gonna flunk it. but at least im kewl with it. im prepared. and why is that so?

ON THE 7TH MARCH 2007, wednesday, IT WAS THE BIGGEST MILESTONE IN MY PIANO ACHIEVEMENT, that is, my grade 8 exam. here's how that day went :

8am- wake up
1030-1100-test
1100-1115-rush to skool
1120-1215- hcl test
1445-1545- amaths test
1700-1800- piano lesson

that day was really nerve-wreckin cos the day after was the biggest day for us triple science students in the common test.alright.

so the piano test was really scary. the guy was called clive simmonds or sth, a really tall and big-sized british. my god, his' accent was really heavy british. i made a few mistakes in scales and arpeggios, even more in the 3 pieces, and worst off, in sight-reading and in aural. i do hope i get the marks that i want. cos i worked hard for it, i can say.

so after that my father actually drove me into the skool at 1115 and i didn't get caught. the security guards were prob sleepin i guess.

however, even after the piano exam, i didn't feel any sense of euphoria or elation, and so was that after thurs' test. i guess it's the aftermath. you still think that you are preparing for the test so when it's finally over, you'll need some time to adapt, cos you're not used to it yet.

this week is really big.

and now i know how it feels to be left out


actually, life is beta when you mellow, when you live a simple life, w/o all the schemin and bitchin. i think i prefer the simple life. no more complicated high-life, imout.


things to do this weekend: retail therapy, new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, fashion stylin, fun and spendin time with my love!



till then, im slowly gettin my life back, and this time it'll be simpler and beta ya'll.